Struggling with Depression- what kind of person do I want to be?

I know I’m a mess right now. But it gives pause to ask what kind of person do I want to be no matter my state of mind?

Values can keeps us grounded which is especially needed to get out of darker moments in life.

As Mark Manson describes in his very popular book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F” values underlie everything we are and do. If what we value is unhelpful, all will be out of whack. Good values, he continues, are reality-based, socially constructive, immediate and controllable. Bad values are superstitious, socially destructive and not immediate and controllable (page 86).

As I struggle to maintain my out of whack life of the moment, I ponder what are the values I want to hold onto? The depression I admit makes this take very difficult.

Depression (like addiction) uses the body as its host. Depression puppets the host into irrational thinking. It creates confusion. To survive the depression intentionally pushes friends away sometimes through manipulation and lying. The depression depends on isolation to survive another day.

I’ve made this mistake in the past. At the time I was less experienced with trauma and over coming the irrational fear it provoked. It was a hard lesson. I was dishonest to people I love. The need to justify my irrational thinking lead me to poor actions thus preventing me from seeing reality and fixing the storm I created. It took a long time to recover from that depression.

Recently, I’ve witnessed friends go through something similar. Hitting crisis mode, they lost sense of right and wrong as they became consumed with irrational thought. This makes it impossible to receive help or change anything for the better. It’s harder for them to receive support.

I wish I could reveal how their behavior makes their situation worse. How the lying (to themselves or me) does harm. But there’s only so much I can do. To protect myself I stand to the side as they (hopefully) figure it out.

As I go through my parallel struggle, I feel the need to keep in check my values and integrity.

Even when life is at its worst, I want to maintain the quality of life in its entirety, not just the parts I’m feeling good.

These are the goals I currently hold, as I walk with a dark cloud in my head.

Find Purpose through Acts of Kindness

To find purpose I don’t need to start a 501C or create a social movement. I can simply offer my seat on the train.

I will hold open doors, or pick up something out-of-reach of someone who needs it. I will watch for an opportunity to help others. I will make it my purpose to be kind in small helpful ways.

I will try not to be so self consumed by gloom that I don’t see a person in need.

Listen to and Engage with Friends in an Attentive and Caring Way.

I dated a guy with depression, his struggle was greater than mine. I empathized to a point, but most of our time was me talking at him. He was so consumed by his disease it was like talking to a wall. Conversation was one sided. He was a great writer, not great friend. I never want to abandoned my family or friends like that. I will always listen and engage with them when needed.

Seek my Compass and Save Storytelling for my Fiction.

I’m a great storyteller, but this doesn’t benefit me in my weaker moments.

Remember the body is a host for depression causing confusion and irrational thinking.

It’s important to find a compass to steer clear of these horrible stories I tell myself. A great compass for me is my partner. My depressive alter ego refers to my partner as The Man. The Man is always reminding me the reality I am currently living. The Man tells me I’m capable, have talent and worthy of success even if it appears elusive. My depression does not like The Man.

Sometimes I can be my own man. Haha. But others times I need a little extra help but that’s hard to do when depression takes hold. Always need to find that compass through support and honesty.

Always be Honest. Have Integrity.

Period. No matter what reality the brain is inventing. I don’t want to come out of my stupor putting out fires my depressive alter ego set.

I think that’s enough to-do’s for now. It’s hard to function and I don’t want to overwhelm myself in my vulnerable state.

After The Man made me volunteer for the book festival even though I had every reasonable excuse not to - it was so hot, the coordinator was showing us how to avoid heat stroke while sitting on a rock pouring water on her wrist and back of her neck - I felt….sigh. (Do I have to say it?) Better.

So, here I go, reentering the world, keeping an eye out for an opportunity to help others, even in small ways while offering connection to friends who need it.